A personal post


I’ve been wanting to write another post critical of Marvel. But in reality, right this moment, I’m feeling thoughtful and tender enough that I want to talk about other things with more emotion.

I think I take for granted and sometimes forget just how good things seemed to me when I was younger. I had a very fantastical, magical view of the world. Everything felt like it teemed with life and promise, and wonder. It’s what I learned from the Final Fantasy of old, and other media and influences I had back then.

This of course does not mean things actually were better then compared to now. There are so many advances we’ve made on many fronts. What I remember as a fond and better time, was also notably a time when gay marriage was banned, and the existence of trans people was often treated like a joke instead of given the respect they deserve. But on a personal front, it seemed better.

There are a lot of things I can’t really say here, either. Because they’re too personal.

What I can say is this: I have to believe things can get better. At least for other people if not for me. I have to believe good, caring, compassionate and considerate efforts to make the world better will lead to positive change somewhere down the road.

That doesn’t mean the efforts will always be benign and passive. Sometimes making the world better requires conflict and confrontation. Uncomfortable truths are hard to accept, and people tend to hate assessing themselves and fixing what they have wrong in them. People like the comfort of the familiar even if the familiar is toxic and hurts other people. Challenging that is difficult. Sometimes dangerous.

Honestly? I think that better world I’d like to see is also one I wouldn’t be a part of. I think I’d be gone, or I wouldn’t fit. It’s one thing to imagine, another thing to be, and who and what I am doesn’t really have a place in it if it’s actually realized.

It’s hard to properly describe what I’m feeling. I know the immediate thoughts people would have to the above, and those thoughts are wrong, but there’s no way to get even a fraction of it across without personal details. And even then, with those personal details, I doubt it could be understood. Understanding here isn’t about intellectual capacity or emotional care. It’s about perspective. These views are so uniquely tailored to my POV based on what I’ve experienced that there’s no real explaining. You get it or you don’t. It clicks or it doesn’t. And often you need to have those experiences too, because it’s hard to grasp the complexities without living them.

And I do greatly appreciate the life I have. The luxuries. The small bits of good I can still get out of it day to day. But there’s also the fear of it ending, and disappointment at the more there could be but isn’t.

Anyway that’s my personal post. I’m about to listen to these two in succession. It’ll be my first time with all of the second vid.

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